Friday, February 15, 2008

DC Adventures: Day 1

After having worked with The Don and Braddock in NYC and Austin, I was invited to help out with the DC boot camp. Shenanigans were to ensue, I was sure.

I landed in DC on Thursday afternoon. I could already tell it was going to be a charmed trip (all four days there the weather was PERFECT!). I left with just enough time to get to the airport, I caught the metro as soon as I landed, and just as I was thinking, "I hope the stop I randomly chose to get off at has a Chipotle close by. I'm hungry," guess what I should see as I turn the corner on 7th street? Burrito me, mutha fucka!

I stumbled around until I found a hotel I could pretend to be a guest at so I might check my email and figure out where The Don had booked us. This, also, was complete cake. I did some sight seeing (the Washington Monument has a scary old tree on the lawn. The Reflecting Pool is covered in goose shit) then met up with Braddock at the hotel for the daily free booze hour.

Livin' large, bitches!

We hit the section of town known as Adam's Morgan for dinner and more drinking. We bounced around to a few different bars and were delighted to see that even though it was quiet, there were still plenty of very attractive ladies around. We eventually found our way to Heaven and Hell, where we watched some local DC magic happen.

The entire town dresses like DC interns, but this one dude was owning the dance floor like I've never seen.

BB: Don, Braddock. You gotta check this guy out. This girl is following this guy around the dance floor like he's got the antidote.

It was incredible. He would dance with her, drive her crazy, then push her away and go to someone else. She was on him like a fucking magnet! I watched him for a good 15 minutes and the energy only intensified. We should have invited him with us as guest lecturer.

We jumped into a cab and asked the driver to take us to someplace really busy. By this time Braddock and The Don were pretty wasted. Braddock had tricked The Don into drinking some cider, which did not make The Don happy.

Don: What the fuck, dude?! Cider?!
Braddock: "HARD." It says "HARD Cider," right on the label.
BB: That does not make it hard, Braddock. Quite the opposite.

At the second bar I opened a two set: one super cute and exactly my type (thin and nerdy, here for known as Mc-Hidden Tits) the other...not so much. The Don referred to her as MudBeast.

BB: Is the outside patio open?
HT: I don't think so.
BB: That makes Daddy sad.
HT: How come?
BB: I like hanging out in the fake outdoors. I go camping with servants and a grand piano. Stuff like that.
HT: HA!
BB: Is this the hot bar in town?
HT: It's all right. Are you not from here?
BB: I'm from NY. My friends and I are here for a bachelor party, but the rest of the group doesn't get here until tomorrow (LIES!).
MB: I want to party with your skeeziest friends.
BB: (to obstacle) I like you better than your friend here. I've been talking to you all of five seconds and she didn't offer to hang out ONCE! Rude much?

They laugh. It is on.

I text The Don and Braddock to come wing for me, but tragically they are too drunk to distract and not nearly drunk enough to want to make out with the MudBeast (Thanks guys! You are never allowed to teach winging ever again). I take a cab back with the ladies, and spend the entire cab ride pushing away Mc-Hidden Tits and accusing her of trying to rape me, all the while putting my hands up the back of her shirt (heavy kino in a way that her friend would never notice).

I cannot isolate, but I get solid digits and a promise to hang out the next night. As I'm leaving the cab I text her, "Try not to rape your friend on the way back home."

(For full text breakdown of this seduction, go to Braddock's blog-http://braddockstmmblog.blogspot.com/)

We all crash out around 4am. Big weekend ahead...

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